When I get scared, I turn into a turtle. A turtle who creates their own darkness by hiding in their shell. I cry our to God “Why did you turn off the lights and take the stars?! That seems like a bit much… I’m lost… help.” I stay in my shell and I pretend that there is no way out. I hang up my own fake stars to worship I continue to read scripture and pray I just do those things with blind eyes and deaf ears. I act like I am fine, and everything is normal.
I become a turtle when I struggle with doubt, temptation, or numbness because I no longer feel worthy of the light and love of God or I just don’t feel anything. I do not trust that light and love was even for me to begin with. So, I go on with my days like everything is normal I just can’t see. When I live without the light of the Lord guiding me path, I make a real mess of things.
Right now, I am a turtle. I am a senior in college who is about to graduate with a B.A. in English, get married, and enter the world in a pandemic. I’m scared. I’m struggling to trust the path that God has put me on; I’m struggling to trust God at all.
It takes a lot for me to get out of my shell once I have made it all cozy and comfortable. I realized this week that it isn’t really about whether I am in my shell or out of it. It is about whether or not I invite God into both of those seasons of my life. God is not limited. The only reason it feels like He is not with me with because I have closed my eyes and my heart. He is always there all I have to do is invite Him in and confess that I am struggling. Without inviting the Lord into struggles there is no way past them. The other day my devotional plan (that I have been doing blind and deaf) had me pray through Psalm 139 and my eyes were opened once more. They opened because I invited God to search me and he answered that prayer before I was done thinking it. I am still in my shell and scared of what the future holds for me, but I can now see where God is working because I let Him in. And slowly but surely, I am beginning to work with Him again.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”
PSALM 139:23-24 (ESV)
Trust that God is the best thing in your life because from Him comes everything else. Trust that the Lord is the way. As Dallas Willard says, “Follow Jesus, and if you can find a better way than him, he would be the first to tell you to take it.”
A Prayer for Turtles:
Dear Lord,
You are my shepherd. Thank your for sticking with me while me eyes are closed. Please, help me to open them. Show me the places in my heart where I have stopped allowing you in... where I have stopped allowing myself in. Please, heal me. Help me to see where you are working. Help me to look to you when I am struggling instead of away. Lord, urge me to kneel at Your throne when I need help instead of retreating into myself. Open my eyes to see your love, joy, compassion, and mercy. Help me to recognize where you are inside me. God, I know that you are what is best, but help me to believe that is true. Lord, I don’t want to feel like a turtle that feels unworthy. I want to feel like the image of you that I am. Remind that I am yours. Save me from myself.
In Your Son’s name I pray,
Amen.
Written By: Cara Swift